i wish you would have asked.

I wish you would've asked if it was okay.
I wish you would have thought about us.
Before you brought a stanger into our lives.
Before you were selfish.
you expected us to call him dad.
you expected him to blend in.
we hated him.
you knew it.
Lacey moved out because of him.
you knew it.
You didn't care.
i cried everynight.
thinking how could you forget?
How could you not stay loyal?
didn't you love him?
Fights were frequent.
but he always thought he was right.
he won.
an occasional slap, and i would mentally turn into a monster.
Flaming.
you pushed me too far.
i wanted to die.
but all i could do was leave a scar.
we were so young.
some details seem fuzzy.
but i remember crying.
crying till my face was covered in salty water.
crying till my eyes were incapable of any more.
crying myself to sleep.
you never knew.
we grew up and things got a little better.
he seems to have control over you mom.
cant you be stong?
take our side for once.
i will never call him dad.
i wish you cared how we felt.
i wish you would have asked if it was okay.
To make us forget about our dad.
to make us try to work things out.
I won't forget, and things will never work out.
i wish you would have asked if it was okay.

Metal.

Has anyone ever told you what you were doing could kill you? and knowing this it made you want to do it more? this is me. thats how i feel, how i live. at least how i used too. It was something that called to me, fufilled me, made me feel real. Sharp metal was my favorite. I loved the feeling of metal dissecting my bare skin. It was an addiction. But one that no one can really understand unless they know, unless they feel, unless they cut. This monster has torn at me for almost two years. Killing me, making me someone i didn't want to be, but someone that was numb. Numb to the emotions, numb to the pain, numb to herself. I always wanted the scar deep, so the feeling would come back to creep. I felt worthless. Everything i did was wrong. No one understood. I took for granted my happiness when my world started falling apart, piece by piece. Crumbling like a rock slide. Huge pieces of me smashing into the ground disentagrating into dust. These pieces, they were happy. It started to bottle up inside me. My secret obsession with metal. People knew i needed help. Next came the conselor. It worked. but i stopped going for a little bit. I let my gaurd down and those feelings they came back to haunt me. i gave in. and loved it. Its a battle, and most days it gets the worst of me. I wish i could say i had won, but its a work in progress. Its something that eats away a lot of teens, and i just happen to fit into that unlucky crowd.




As she walks her lies follow.
We all know the truth is hard to swallow.
Seeing a smile on the outside,
but inside, only pain that she hides.
So few would ever guess she takes a razor to her flesh.
All she thinks is " would they like me less?"
" F**k the world" her eyes scream.
But this is not what they see.
She doesn't want to exist.
Iwant to help her so bad.
To see her this way, its terrible sad.
I wonder what shes thinking.
I wouldn't know where to start.
So who is this girl?
I guess ill have to break myself apart.

Our Dirty Little Secret.

We should have stopped. We should have known better. Our Guilt should have kicked in right then but no, no it didn't. We continued. This is the first thing that comes to mind. so dark we swore to keep it between us till the grave. It's something I never pictured myself doing, and yet there i was. There are little ones, and big ones. Life changing, and careless. Many varieties. At that moment we were the worst friends ever. But are we still those horrible friends if we never admitted to it? It it ours. No one will ever know. I have many, no one knows all of them. Just bits and pieces of my puzzle.
secrets.

a family.

A family is there to support, and to love. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way. My mother. She never wants to believe in flaws. she jumps to conclusions. she doesnt trust. she misses me, or who i used to be. she tries to help, but its a wasted effort. She thinks she knows, but rarely she does. She loves me, and i love her. Most days. Lacey. a splitting image of me. shes confused, has no idea what she wants in life. Shes 3 years older, and i like to think im more put together than she is. But who am i kidding. Don't get me wrong, i love her but i never want to make the same mistakes she made. She's a touch me not, at least to girls. i hate it. she used to be my role model, but now shes what i least want to be. Dad. A mystery, a faint glimpse. Each day it gets easier, or so i like to think. Dave. Car obsessed. distant. A cheap immatation of my dad. As for me? im split in two. between the person i want to be, and the person im expected to be. I have a lock box in my heart, i try not to let anything out. But it has holes, and my darkest secrets seap out. I wish i could forget. Im a disgrace. Im a teen hiding depression. Im in need of love. im scared of rejection. im selfish. im alone. Im sick of pretending. I am scared to get cancer. im tired of the lies. Im alive. im different. I believe no one has a perfect family. If anyone does they should cherish it, embrace it, never take it for granted. love it.

Ink.

Ink. Most people think of it as gross, punk tattoos. Tattoos that have no meaning, or mess ups not from a professional. Mine however, shows love, and compassion. Its not something you can hold, but its a precious artifact. Placed lightly on my hip bone, are forget-me-nots. A simple flower that holds so much value to my mom, sister, and I. Two little flowers wrapped in flowing vines. We all Have the same tattoo, in the same exact spot. Its in rememberance of my father. Every morning I wake up, and look in the mirror, when I see my tattoo, I see my dad. People tell you to be careful what tattoos you get because you'll have it for life, I however am not afraid of having you near me forever.


forget you? not ever.

My paradise.

Quiet, Soft grass, and myself. Its a place I go where I can release my stress. Just down the road from my house, its a start of a suberb. However, its out of town so no one lives there yet. Two ponds are there. I go there to see the simplicity. There's life there. How do they live without drama, without talking, without love? When im there reality,Judgement, and pain are gone. I can actually breathe here. As i lay in the grass it cradles my body, giving me a sense of Composure. The sun is my only best friend at that time. shining, and giving me warmth. Its my safe harbor, my paradise.

A photograph that first comes to mind.

I'm wearing a yellow and white striped shirt, and a hat. He's wearing a green polo with a rabbit fur hat. It must have been cold. I smiled so big i could've lit up an entire town. He was somewhat reserved, his mind elsewhere. I should've seen right through him. We were at the bowling alley in Boyne City. I'd wait all week till friday, because thats the day I knew i would see him. My mind triggered fridays to him. I was addicted to him, Like i depended on him, on his love, his smile, him. Dan Cote had my heart then, and forever. I dote upon him. He's the anchor my heart is tied to, it tries to move on, but then it remembers the concrete heartache holding it down. He is gone. out of my life. He slips my mind, but the thoughts come back and linger like ghosts that i can never get rid of.


My most treasured photograph.

The simplicity of a happy family. Before the heartache, before the cancer took its toll, before my dad passed away. It is something I treasure. A simple photograph. A sense of togetherness that no longer exists. My sister and I dressed in our best dresses, and my mother, beautiful as ever. My father, handsome, hiding his pain. It is hard to get over the fact that he's never coming back. With each day I wonder if I am what he expected me to be. Or did he want more? I love that picture it makes me so happy, to see all the smiles. It makes it seem like i'm still that little girl, and i'm in a dream world. It makes me think of playing blanket monsters, and puppet shows. It makes me wish i could remember more, it makes me wish he could be there on my wedding day, or my choir concerts. To see his proud face in the audience. but most of all it makes me miss him.